Confessions of an Impatient and Proud Lover
From 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, love is described this way – “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” With this alone I am enlightened as to how we did not last and why did we not move a level higher in our relationship. That no matter what I do to get him back, I feel that he has already fallen out of love. Simply because I wasn’t patient enough on him.
My Story of Pride
At work, I was insensitive enough to make him feel that I am his superior and that he was under my authority. I can just imagine how that made him feel as a man even if nothing changed with the way he treated me within or beyond the boundaries of work. It must have been hard for him to swallow his pride while it was so easy for me to just let my ego soar above his.
Each time he fell short of my expectations I would raise my voice – intentionally or unintentionally – as I explain to him the instructions for a certain task. I guess that made him angry, as well. While I was easily angered he was just kind enough to keep his feelings inside because of his love for me.
There were times when I made him my sponge, my punching bag. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a violent lover. However, there were times when I get reprimanded for tasks undone, time not spent well, and deadlines not met. It must be coincidence because I also noticed the same records by him. I shouldn’t have recorded his wrongs because he also didn’t record mine. Yet I was so proud to reprimand him instead for the sake of releasing my stress. That was unfair.
He never missed a single moment to check out on me. Despite of his busy schedule he always makes time for me. He would drop things for me. I was one of his most important priorities yet I always thought I was just an option for him and even treated him as such. Those times he would spend to hear all of my litanies, when I burst out, and even at times when I miss someone else even if he is the one beside me. Those were precious moments.
I have witnessed him being pushed by other people to his limits. His blood pressure rising, his jaws clenched with suppressed anger, his face red, and his eyes almost in the brink of crying. But in all those times I never experienced being shouted at. He never raised his voice on me. I was never made his sponge nor his personal punching bag unlike what I would easily do to him. His love was patient and kind.
Sometimes he would catch me lying to him. Whether I defend my lies and cover them up in an angry manner, he was just there feeling sad asking himself what made me do such thing to him. But he never shouted at me. He even told me he knew the truth. Then when my conscience was struck by sudden guilt, I would pour out my feelings on him. And all I ever needed was to say a single sorry and he was already okay with it. How then could I afford to say ugly words on him each time he does something wrong? Was I just acting like a spoiled brat or was it me being impatient on him?
I never heard him call me names. He never said bad words on me. Regardless of the circumstances he remained sweet and has always treated me with kindness. What made me call him names? Joke or not I shouldn’t have said things to him. I should have treated him the way he treated me.
As I recall all these instances, I can’t help but feel sorry for myself. The realization that maybe he was still in love with me but he just needed some time off to recharge his battered heart struck like lightning on me. Truth hurts. I pushed a good man out of my life; someone who was already an answer to my prayers and every girl’s dream man.
At times I would justify my actions. Thinking that I only acted like a woman who was very comfortable enough with the unwavering love of her man. I was spoiled and I was treated not only like a princess but her queen. But I forgot that I shouldn’t have treated him like my slave but the king of my life. What was I thinking?
Now I want him back. I want him to love me back and exert all efforts to make him love me again. Indeed, regrets are felt when it’s just too late. All realizations rush into my mind just when he’s already gone. Questions with answers against me strike me bull’s eye. At this point, one thing is for sure, I wasn’t good enough for him. I am to be blamed for whatever it is that’s happening in our relationship. This paranoia of mine and maybe his anguish at the moment are all because of me. Minus all the drama, I’m just being honest enough to admit my fault. I threw away a diamond.
If ever he’s in my arms again, I will change 360 degrees. I forgo the sentimental love quotes that fantasize the in-love experience, because my mantra will always be: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
What Can You Learn?
In what ways do you see the push-pull dynamic affecting your relationship? How can you communicate the love language of your partner even when you’re not feeling up to it? What do you need to forgive your partner about?
Jenna James writes on relationships, suffering, and moving on. She learns a lot from her experiences. It’s not all gloom, there’s plenty of joy and happiness too. You can read her relationships blog and follow her on Twitter.