I read Dr. Meg Jay's NY Times piece on co-habituation (...) which lead me to ordering her book. I received it yesterday and read it in one sitting. So, I think it's pretty good.
As a twenty something, I would recommend this book to my friends and even those still in high school. Dr. Jay teaches lessons about how to ideally approach one's twenties and why it really matters. She interweaves research, stories, and counseling sessions with her patients to make a thought provoking but easy book to read. In many of those patients, I saw my friends or myself. There was the twenty something coffee barista still waiting for the right opportunity to come by. There was the beautiful and successful, girl chronically hooking up and never dating because she's still plagued with teenager, self-image problems. There was the bicycle shop guy wanting to be original and afraid of settling down. What they all have in common is this intense desire to know, "Am I going to make it? And what the hell should I be doing in my twenties? School was so easy, but life is so hard."
This book isn't a step by step guide. It won't go into how to systematically meet guys/girls, get over depression, or how to do well on an interview. There are plenty of books on getting into the details. Instead, this is a thought provoking book aimed against the popular twenty something zeitgeist today that, "we can do anything", "there's always time", and "I have until 30 to get my life together." Not to mention the million other stories we tell ourselves like, "I'm never going to get good at this", "It's better to wait rather than choose", or "Everyone on Facebook is doing better than me." In a sense, this book is like "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" to personal finance. They are paradigm shifting books that sweep away the false assumptions and beliefs we acquired from our childhood and culture and replace them with solid, real principles on how reality works. This book isn't going to do the heavy lifting for you, only you can do that. This book is the starting point to begin living one's twenties with drive, clarity, and purpose.
The book itself is divided into three sections: Work, Love, and The Brain and the Body.
Work talks about increasing your identity capital, the value of "weak ties", that you know what you want even though you think you don't, the unhelpful prevalence of Facebook comparisons, and seeing a career as the first step in a unique, customized life versus settling down.
Love goes into the importance of taking dating seriously in your 20s, compatibility with possible in-laws, how to make sure "living together" isn't harmful, and choosing the right partner.
The Brain and Body is sort of a misc. collection of pieces centered on how your brain, body, and mind works.
The Brain and Body section also covered a lot of neuroscience research I wasn't aware of. For example, your brain undergoes a radical period of reconfiguration in your 20s which means now is the best opportunity for learning skills. Or, the frontal cortex that controls a lot of our mature responses such as regulating emotions is still developing for most people in their 20s. Besides the physical brain, Dr. Jay also talks about the mind such as learning how to calm yourself down, how to develop confidence (rather than believing it's fixed), and that you can radically alter how you feel by changing parts of your life.
It also has a very frank chapter on fertility and that ladies don't have as much time as they think to have children. The final chapter before the epilogue talks about mapping your years to see how limited your time truly is. It seems common for many young people to talk about getting their career in order or going to graduate school eventually, getting married, and having kids but not all at the same time. Except, when you're 25 or 27 saying this, you're quickly running out of time.
It's hard to convey in a review how good the book is. This is the book I wish I could have written in ten years. Not just because of the advice, but because of the patient interviews. I found myself agreeing and sharing the same POV as the patient many times but through the counseling session, it was almost like I was sitting there and seeing my own assumptions fall apart and seeing the truth for what it really is. This book doesn't knock you over the head with what Dr. Jay thinks is right but begins from where you already are and lets you see for yourself the problems in your logic. Just as any good psychologist does.
This isn't your run of the mill advice book. There's a lot of popular myths and assumptions that this book dispels with cold, hard truth. I'm a self-help addict, and there was plenty of new information I never heard or thought of before.
The underlying message in all the stories and chapters is start living your life now. Take responsibility. Don't believe the lies that your twenties don't matter or that confidence is only innate. For most people, the late night parties, pointless jobs, and random hookups won't be what build your identity, what you care about or remember in the future. If anything, as Billy in the book says, you will probably feel betrayed that you wasted the best years of your life doing all the meaningless things that culture and others mislead you to believe most important. So, start preparing now because the investments (or lack thereof) that you do in your twenties will have the greatest impact in your career, marriage, and overall happiness. As she ends the book, "The future isn't written in the stars. There are no guarantees. So claim your adulthood. Be intentional. Get to work. Pick your family. Do the math. Make your own certainty. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do. You are deciding your life right now."
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Popular Highlights in this book
The one thing I have learned is that you can’t think your way through life. The only way to figure out what to do is to do—something.Highlighted by 4,629 Kindle readers- As a twentysomething, life is still more about potential than proof. Those who can tell a good story about who they are and what they want leap over those who can’t.Highlighted by 4,024 Kindle readers
- “He that hath once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another than he whom you yourself have obliged.”Highlighted by 2,486 Kindle readers
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Great book for those in their 20s feeling lost, confused, like they’re doing everything wrong, etc
Very helpful, reassuring, and eye-opening book. Highly recommend.
Top reviews from other countries
Mariana P
Esencial para las personas de veinte y tantos años
Reviewed in Mexico on January 3, 2024valerie
A 10/10 reality check for twenty somethings
Reviewed in Canada on September 5, 2023Beatriz
Livro que "dói" ao ler. Porém, indispensável
Reviewed in Brazil on November 19, 2022
Beatriz
Reviewed in Brazil on November 19, 2022
Não é um livro que deixa você feliz enquanto o lê. Pelo contrário, em alguns casos pode nos trazer preocupações, arrependimentos e ansiedade sobre escolhas que ainda precisamos fazer. Porém, é melhor termos o conhecimento para podermos agir agora (dentro da nossa realidade), do que não o termos.
Apesar de não trazer só animação ao ler, o livro também tranquiliza ao nos instruir em relação a diversos assuntos. Ex: pode nos trazer mais clareza sobre quais tipos de emprego devemos procurar, sobre como devemos planejar nossa vida a fim de alcançarmos nossos objetivos, sobre como podemos escolher com mais consciência nossos relacionamentos, etc.
Enfim, é um livro que pode não deixar você mais contente enquanto o lê. Porém, provavelmente pode fazer com que você tenha mais felicidade/sucesso no futuro do que teria sem a leitura deste.
Breve resumo abaixo das três partes do livro:
(o resumo não condiz necessariamente com a minha opinião em relação os assuntos trazidos)
Vida profissional: O livro traz verdades e instrui sobre como podemos lidar com a nossa carreira. Ressalta a importância de construirmos nosso "capital de identidade" o quanto antes (trabalhos, estudos e atividades a ver com nossa área de atuação e que possam ser colocadas no nosso currículo). A autora também nos ajuda a organizarmos o pensamento sobre quais tipos de trabalhos devemos buscar e quais são as nossas opções. Ela traz que, se quisermos ter uma carreira de sucesso aos 30 e poucos, o momento de "plantarmos" é agora.
Vida amorosa: a autora traz a importância de sermos também intencionais. Alerta que a pessoa que escolhemos nos envolver será parte da nossa família (ou a pessoa com quem será construída uma família). Além disso, também alerta sobre quando e como devemos fazer esta escolha.
Corpo: um dos alertas da autora é sobre a ilusão passada na mídia em relação à idade para ter filhos. Segundo a autora, são noticiadas mulheres que engravidam aos 40, 50 e poucos anos e isso faz com que tenhamos a falsa crença de que é possível para todas. Porém, os dados da população em geral não são muito falados, os quais ressaltam que a chance de uma mulher engravidar naturalmente e conseguir manter a gravidez começa a reduzir após os 35 - o que não torna o processo impossível, mas pode dificultar em alguns casos.
Obs: caso você tenha passado dos 20 e poucos (ou muitos), considere as mudanças que você pretende fazer a partir de agora, não se deixe desesperar. Aja nos pontos que considerar necessários, independentemente da sua idade!
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Deepika Subramanian
Must read for people in 20s
Reviewed in India on October 18, 2023